Bullshit

Truth is we have a stupid tendency for lying to ourselves. We say we want to get over someone, that we want to get rid of this emotional bond that doesn't allow us to move on, we pretend to fight hard for it but, reality is that, we introduce these ideas in our minds while we retain those feelings strongly attached in our hearts. Making it impossible for us to go on over them and then, we walk with this fear of them arousing to the surface of our consciousness, never letting them go completely away for we are too ashamed of how week they make us feel that we'd rather hide them and pretend they are slowly fading before actually letting them go. We are afraid of opening ourselves again and we are utterly aware of it but, worst of all, we never accept it, instead, we choose to deal with it as if it was everything but a problem. In addition, then, we become this shitty persons, worthless loving, somehow perfectly broken inside. It is not fair, it surely isn't, not for the people that meets us in the halfway for we determine them to suffer through our encounter as we play to be free but remain enchained to those who caused our tears.

So, in other words and in verse...

This is it:

Pretending

to let go.

Bullshit.

Holding them

in our hearts,

sadly pretending, 

fake fighting

against the pain

meanwhile,

lying to ourselves,

talking about hate

proclaiming its end,

or freedom,

while truth is

we are 

stupidly

retaining 

them.

For at no point

do we

intend

to

get rid

let go

say bye.

Disappear.

And having said that, I surrender for all I wanted was to show the world how strong I was. I wanted to stand out and say something. I wanted everyone to see how brave I was but, most of all, I wanted you to see how much I had fought for it (and you, at some point, I guess.). How hard I'd tried to get over you, how big the effort I put on all of it had been. Every single time that my heart yelled for you, the hardest I battled to shut it down. Every moment  that my blood burned of anger for revenge, I tried my best to cool it down. Every time that my fears of being hurt again aroused, the worse I had to fight to keep some space for hope inside my soul. And it was hard, it still is. Somehow, you are always there, stuck in the back of my mind, not letting me go but I'm determined to get rid of you and, eventually, I swear I will and then, all of it will be over: the pain, the fear, the damage and these stupid hopes I still hold for you. I'll cross countries, continents and skies if required but I'll get rid of you and never aim for you again.

Alessia Garnet

University, Antwerpen, Belgium

17Oct2015