Fate.

Tenia el cor atravessat amb una fletxa,
dos adéus i una lliçó.
Tenia el cor acompanyat de dues guies,
dos amors i tres records.
I els sospirs se li escapaven,
per les llàgrimes i els petons.

Alessia Garnet

Tot continua. Everything goes on.

Em pregunto si em llegeixes. Si els teus pensaments et porten al meu blog de tant en tant. Si enyores la meva dramàtica manera de ser i les meves idees bohèmies. Em pregunto si tens ganes de veure'm i alliberar tota l'angoixa, ràbia i pena que ens hem causat l'un a l'altre en una d'aquelles abraçades que semblen no tenir fronteres. I aleshores em venen un milió de preguntes que et faria. El pitjor de tot és que gaire bé totes començarien amb un terrible i pesarós perquè. Justament el perquè que vols oblidar. I en aquests moments obro la finestra o m'escapo corrents fora d'allà on sigui i deixo que el fred em consumeixi per uns instants, deixo que el vent em bufetegi amb tota la gelor del Nord. Tanco els ulls i m'obligo a mi mateixa a tancar les ferides. Torno a dins, com si res hagués passat i tot continua.

Alessia Garnet

Newschanstein Castle, Germany.

9Nov2015

I wonder if you read me. If your thoughts bring you back to my blog once in a while. If you miss my dramatic way of being or my bohemian soul. I wonder if you are looking forward to see me someday, if you are looking forward to let go all the anger, the pain and the pity that we caused to each other throughout one of those hugs that seem to hold no frontiers. And then, a million questions arouse in my mind. Worst of all, they would probably all start with a terrible and relentless why. Precisely the exact why you so bad want to forget. And at those moments I open the windows or escape in a rush from wherever I'm found and allow the coldness to consume myself for a while, I allow the wind to slap me on my face with all the iciness of the North. I close my eyes and force myself to close my wounds as well. Go back inside, as if nothing was wrong at all, and everything goes on.

Alessia Garnet

Estendre els llençols

Vaig pensar que, potser, si estenia els llençols i canviava les cortines, si deixava que la llum d'un nou dia m'escalfés les galtes i les esperances, aleshores i només a partir d'aquell moment, podria veure nous cims a l'horitzó i deixaria de recordar-te a base de núvols grisos i mig esborrats. Sembla que, de mica en mica, vaig obrint-les; les ales, les finestres, les forces, les ganes. I així, poc a poc, estenc els lligams del nou pont que he decidit teixir i, d'alguna curiosa manera, m'acomiado de tu en la distància mentre el vent gèlid d'aquest país se t'endu, junt amb les fulles que arranca dels arbres, tenyint-ho tot dels colors de la tardor.

Garnet.
________ in english (and probably much poorer version):

I thought that, maybe, if I cleared those sheets and changed the courtines, if I allowed the sunshine of a brand new day to warm my cheeks and hopes then, and only from that moment on, I would be able to discern new peaks in the far horizon and would I stop remembering you between those blurry grey clouds. As it seems, slowly but firmly, I'm opening them; the wings, the windows, the aims, the strenghts. And this way, little by little, I spread the bonds of this new bridge I decided to build and, somehow, I withdraw myself from you through the distance while the icy air of this country pulls you away from me, altogether with the falling leaves that have been teared apart from the trees, staining everything with the Autumn colours.

Garnet

Erasmus Bridge - Rotterdam - NL

22Nov2015

Bullshit

Truth is we have a stupid tendency for lying to ourselves. We say we want to get over someone, that we want to get rid of this emotional bond that doesn't allow us to move on, we pretend to fight hard for it but, reality is that, we introduce these ideas in our minds while we retain those feelings strongly attached in our hearts. Making it impossible for us to go on over them and then, we walk with this fear of them arousing to the surface of our consciousness, never letting them go completely away for we are too ashamed of how week they make us feel that we'd rather hide them and pretend they are slowly fading before actually letting them go. We are afraid of opening ourselves again and we are utterly aware of it but, worst of all, we never accept it, instead, we choose to deal with it as if it was everything but a problem. In addition, then, we become this shitty persons, worthless loving, somehow perfectly broken inside. It is not fair, it surely isn't, not for the people that meets us in the halfway for we determine them to suffer through our encounter as we play to be free but remain enchained to those who caused our tears.

So, in other words and in verse...

This is it:

Pretending

to let go.

Bullshit.

Holding them

in our hearts,

sadly pretending, 

fake fighting

against the pain

meanwhile,

lying to ourselves,

talking about hate

proclaiming its end,

or freedom,

while truth is

we are 

stupidly

retaining 

them.

For at no point

do we

intend

to

get rid

let go

say bye.

Disappear.

And having said that, I surrender for all I wanted was to show the world how strong I was. I wanted to stand out and say something. I wanted everyone to see how brave I was but, most of all, I wanted you to see how much I had fought for it (and you, at some point, I guess.). How hard I'd tried to get over you, how big the effort I put on all of it had been. Every single time that my heart yelled for you, the hardest I battled to shut it down. Every moment  that my blood burned of anger for revenge, I tried my best to cool it down. Every time that my fears of being hurt again aroused, the worse I had to fight to keep some space for hope inside my soul. And it was hard, it still is. Somehow, you are always there, stuck in the back of my mind, not letting me go but I'm determined to get rid of you and, eventually, I swear I will and then, all of it will be over: the pain, the fear, the damage and these stupid hopes I still hold for you. I'll cross countries, continents and skies if required but I'll get rid of you and never aim for you again.

Alessia Garnet

University, Antwerpen, Belgium

17Oct2015